The following is a true story.

For Christmas, I bought my husband a GPS system. Our trial run was during the trip to Maui in January. We got a huge laugh out of it/her, because the canned (female) voice that came with the system had something of an edge to it, especially when we made a wrong turn – or worse, when we had the audacity to interrupt the scheduled trip for gas or food (in that order, hopefully). She got a little testy with us during such deviations from the route, but in the end, she got us safely to our destination.

Yes, everything was fun and games in Maui.

Now we’re home, and she’s getting on my nerves. I’ve never gotten so much attitude from an inanimate object! I see now that androids are not the answer for the future of humans. In fact, the Terminator movies might just be dead-on right. We cannot trust these mechanized demons.

Back to the dominatrix. Here’s a quick rundown on how GPS systems for those of you who aren’t fortunate enough to have one (I’m kidding – save yourselves!)

On the touchscreen of the device, you enter the destination address. The dominatrix announces: “Calculating route.” Then she starts to boss you around, but nicely at first. “Left turn in 2 miles” – that sort of thing.

But God help you if there’s a traffic jam ahead, so you have to detour; or you need to use the restroom at a service station by the side of the road. Then she announce again: “Calculating route,” but there’s a bit of an edge.

She’s pissed that you didn’t do EXACTLY as she commanded.

Now imagine doing that two or three times during the same trip, for valid reasons, but trust me, this woman is not accustomed to being disobeyed. Now when she says “calculating route” she means “how dare you disregard my wishes”!

It’s really rather frightening.

And this is with my husband in the car! But today, I braved it alone. That was a mistake.

Background: yesterday my husband and I went to visit my mother. Mom’s in a facility. She is in the same facility today.

We used the GPS yesterday, and asked the device to send us on the fastest route. The dominatrix sent us south on I-5, then west on CA-160. That’s not our traditional route, but it worked so well, I decided to do it again today when I visited Mom.

Inexplicably, the GPS decided to send me NORTH on I-5, then west of I-80 (our former route). Undeterred, I went south, knowing/assuming that the GPS would/should adjust to the new route.

She did not. Instead, she categorically refused to speak to me, and so there I was, speeding south on I-5 with no recollection of the correct turnoff. I’m not much of an adventuress, so this was scary territory for me.

Finally, I pulled over and coaxed her into talking to me again. But there was a snarly tone to her voice the rest of the trip.

Sheesh!

I know this is not just my imagination. This chick has control issues.

Kate